i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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