3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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