Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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