I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
