bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Did you just see the Batmobile???
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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