I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
