Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
