We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
All I want is dick and wine.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize