U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize