My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
