She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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