I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
