I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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