he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
