he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
