why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
