I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
