The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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