I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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