my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
What a dumb baby whore.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
