i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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