I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
