I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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