3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
