People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
