EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
