I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
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