im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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