We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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