i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
