You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
