ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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