i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize