so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
