kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
