youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
