We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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