I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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