I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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