My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
