I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
