I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
