i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
