I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
