My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
