I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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