You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Randomize
