remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
