So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
