um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
