new low.... made out with someone while peeing
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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