o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
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