they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize