Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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