I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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