I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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