Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
