textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize