we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
