I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
