wakey wakey hands off snakey
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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