Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
my sisters under your porch take her home
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
