Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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