i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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