Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
