the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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