the condom got lost in my hair
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize