She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
