Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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