The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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