sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
